Protesting at the Funeral of a Soldier: Have We As a Society Really Become This Illogical and Disrespectful?

By R. Lewis Lightner on October 6th, 2010.

I just read the article, “Westboro Baptist Church to Defend Military Funeral Protests Before High Court” by Lee Ross on www.foxnews.com and find myself sitting here in disgust. The Westboro Baptist Church is classified as an Independent Baptist Church, as well as a hate group that is known for its anti-homosexuality protests, as well as desecration of the American Flag. The church is headed by one Fred Phelps and is located at 3701 West 12th Street; Topeka, Kansas 66604-1730. They can be reached by phone at (785) 273-0325 or (785)-273-0338. You can also reach them online at www.godhatesfags.com. (No, I am not kidding here.)
Might I share with you my thoughts? I shall, after all, you are here, aren’t you?

I hate wishing ill on anyone…even though it is my constitutional right to do so. I find myself having a hard time not wishing ill on ANYONE who, in the name of speaking out against something that is considered a sin by their religious beliefs in this manner. Let’s take a deeper look at this situation, shall we?
It appears that through ignorance and oversimplification of a complex issue, somehow these protesters see the logic in protesting the actions of our government to a small, funeral sized crowd, who seem to have something a little more important on their mind than the religious beliefs of someone else. Granted, by getting the media attention that they have, I’m assuming that they have achieved their goals…if they even put enough forethought into this to have a goal, other than expressing their misdirected anger. (Anger, which, most likely could be looked at as a very non-Christian anger…but that appears to be forgotten, along with any logic behind their funeral protests.) So, here we have people exercising their constitutional right of free speech, while interfering with the grieving of a family who lost a loved one.
Now that we have established that, shall we look at the fact that this protest is somehow connected to speaking out against a government that allows freedom for homosexuals to be themselves. I realize that many people feel that homosexuality is wrong…but here is some news…there are a lot of people who think that organized religion harms more people than homosexuality. What is the truth of the matter here??? The truth is, it doesn’t matter. If you feel that strongly against homosexuality…don’t commit homosexual acts. That being said, most people who feel strongly against organized religion wouldn’t bother wasting their time setting foot in a church…especially a church that is more focused on sending messages in anger than being good and helpful human beings. In my eyes, it appears that what we have here is a church that feels that it has a weak voice in the community. This, in reality, may well be because there are a lot more people who would rather spend their time in church worshiping God and focusing on becoming better human beings in the eyes of the Lord than spend their time making senseless, unfocused protests involving misguided anger. Due to this feeling of weakness, somebody was inspired with the idea to protest at funerals…again…interfering with families grieving for the loss of a loved one. Somebody hasn’t thought this whole thing through, or they would be a little more respectful of others. Yes, their freedom of speech is a constitutionally protected right. In translation, our constitution is designed to protect both intelligent people who have thoughts that differ from mainstream society, as well as individuals such as this congregation…who do not appear to exhibit even remote signs of intelligence with their idiotic thought process and evil motivation that has led them to protest governmental actions and policy to a funeral sized crowd, and thereby disrespecting the right for the families of soldiers to mourn peacefully. This of course, is not even addressing the fact that part of their protest is regarding homosexuality…which they were protesting at the funeral of a soldier who was not a homosexual.

Having purged those thoughts from my system, I am now inspired. It falls within our constitutionally protected rights to free speech to protest the churches actions. Assuming that this church even spends anytime in prayer, we do in fact have the constitutional right to protest whatever we want near their church. Frankly, I don’t really care what the protest is for at this point. We can protest their protest…or just picket for the sake of picketing. Its our right. We can support Gay Rights. We can support the troops. We can support whatever…but I feel in all fairness, it shouldn’t just be protests and picketing while they are attending church services…but also, should anyone in the congregation die…we should exercise our right to protest at their funeral as well. I would love for the American Humanists to jump behind this protest…but most of them, as with most sensible Christians, are busy trying to live their lives and being good people. Anyone with any free time though, please feel free to contact me about organizing a protest. Maybe rather than protesting anything just for the sake of protesting, we should actually try to be productive human beings and have a protest/fundraiser for some sort of charitable organization. I feel far better about spending my time helping people in need, knowing that I’m also exercising my own right to free speech by protesting at the church services and any funeral services for any members of the Westboro Baptist Church congregation.

In reality, I doubt that I will waste my time protesting knowing that there are people in the world in need. We are in a recession and have families struggling to put food on the table and will soon be struggling to keep heat on in their homes…and for some…they don’t even have homes to heat. Maybe we should focus our attention on helping our fellow Americans that are in need. I’m still not opposed to doing a combination protest/fundraiser though. As for members of the Westboro Baptist Church that are behind the protests…you really should be ashamed of yourselves for being such disrespectful human beings. I am having a hard time trying to fathom that you are even reading the same bible as anyone else given the disrespect you show your fellow Americans, in particular those who have committed their lives…and in some cases…lost their lives doing their job…a job you may not always agree with…BUT…the idea behind us having a military at all is to protect that very right that you are standing behind while protesting at funerals. I will end this passage with the peace of mind know that I’m sure you will be judged appropriately.

The Soundtrack to My Life as a Motion Picture

By R. Lewis Lightner on June 29th, 2010.

So, in case you haven’t noticed…I kind of live my life as the exception. I’m not sure why I am the way I am…but I recently heard a very wise quote in the movie Not Easily Broken. “If you want to know the purpose of a thing, you can’t ask the thing to tell you. A car doesn’t know why its a car. Only the manufacturer knows what it was made to do.” That being said, I realized some years ago that my life, like any movie, was far more interesting with the appropriate soundtrack. This spilled over into nearly everything I did. Over the years, I have become obsessed with the right song for the right occasion…the right mood…the right frame of mind. Its to the point that I’m not quite sure if I’m even in control anymore…or if the random songs that I happen into seem to influence my life. This applies to nearly every activity. I love to cook to Jazz…more specifically Bop for some reason…or Sinatra. Nearly every activity or mode of my life has some sort of appropriate theme music. I remember in an interview with Dan Wilson, the lead singer of Semisonic, he was discussing their song “Singing in My Sleep.” The song was about the art of the modern mix tape…and how you can really get to know somebody…and possibly even fall in love with somebody based upon the songs they choose to expose you to. I specifically remember the lines, “I’ve been living in your cassette…Its the modern equivalent, of singing up to a Capulet on a balcony in your mind.” I totally feel where he was going with that. I think about summer rainy days…and how they inspire such a wonderful sense of melancholia. (I tend to imagine rolling around on a black sand beach with a hot model with incredibly beautiful eyes…as I hear Chris Isaak‘s “Wicked Game” in the background…or something from Joe Henry’s CD Scar…specifically the song “Stop”…which you may more recognize as the Madonna‘s  “Don’t Tell Me,” from her album Music. (The song was actually written by Joe Henry, who is married to Madonna’s sister Melanie. Henry’s more “Tango-esque” version of the song was also featured on an episode of “The Sopranos.”) There some other incredible songs on Scar that are incredible on rainy days…including “Mean Flower” as well as “Rough and Tumble,” or the dirge-like “Richard Pryor Addresses a Tearful Nation,” featuring legendary jazz saxophonist Ornette Coleman. If you’ve never listened to Joe Henry on a rainy day…you really haven’t lived. Allmusic‘s Thom Jurek, in reference to Henry stated that he   “has moved into a space that only he and Tom Waits inhabit in that they are songwriters who have created deep archetypal characters that are composites—metaphorical, allegorical,   and ‘real’—of the world around them and have created new sonic universes for them to both explore and express themselves in. Scar is a triumph not only for Henry—who has set a new watermark for himself—but for American popular music, which so desperately needed something else to make it sing again.” Rainy Sunday evenings tend to put me into Billy Joel‘s “New York State of Mind,” especially driving to or from my home, looking at the city skyline from my South Hills neighborhood. The acoustic version of  “Rain King“ from Counting Crows seems to speak to me as well…especially when I find myself contemplating denial’s role in my life.

Speaking of “The Sopranos,” I don’t know that I can think of any TV series of recent years with a more wonderfully eclectic soundtrack…that is all to easy to live by somehow. I remember being surprised in an early episode hearing Morphine‘s “Buena” as the closing track. It kind of knocked me on my ass because I had been listening to the song for over ten years and it seemed that hardly anybody I ever talked to about it had ever heard of the song. As for other tracks, I had frequently driven to a house I didn’t yet own for nearly an entire year listening to the Theme from The Sopranos aka “Woke Up This Morning” from Alabama 3, because it just seemed to fit. Nearly every night I would close the club I owned, and drive to this hilltop home blaring the opening track. I had it timed just right too…at which stoplight leaving the club to hit play so that it was ending as I pulled in the driveway. It was perfect…somehow, someway…just perfect at that moment in my life anyway.

Thinking about music in film and the feeling it gives you, or how it transports you to a place in time…or a particular scene…or even a particular frame. Think of “Stuck in the Middle With You” from Stealer’s Wheel. What do you think of? Could it be Michael Madsen as the infamous Vick Vega, aka Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs...dancing in his crisp white shirt to K-Billy’s “Super Sounds of the Seventies…and dousing officer “Mahvin…Marvin Nassshhh” with gasoline after cutting off his ear. I can hear the words echo…”Hey, What’s goin’ on? You hear that?”

I mean, music can have a grand impact on your memory…and the associations you make as a child stick with you for a lifetime. For any Richard Wagner fans reading this…what do you think of as Wagner’s most memorable work? For the average person, I would have to say the winner of the poll would be “Ride of the Valkyries” from Act III of Die Walkure. Its not that it conjures memories similar to those I have for Beethoven’s 9th as I performed it with the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra under the direction of Thomas Conlin back in 1994. No…these are far more vivid memories involving speakers blaring Wagner as 8 or 10 Huey’s attack a Vietnamese village in Apocalypse Now because “it scares the hell out of the slopes!” Seriously, who can hear the opening strings without that feeling building inside of you because you know with all certainty that you are about to hear Robert Duvall as Lt. Colnel Bill Kilgore say those famous words, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning!” I fondly remember being forbidden to watch Apocalypse Now when I was around ten or eleven years old…so I set the VCR to record it after I had gone to bed and stayed up the next night to watch it at my grandmother’s house. I certainly have no regrets.

I am beginning to realize that I could go on for days about this whole concept. I mean…I think about how cool it would be to have transition music as you move from room to room, building to building, scene to scene in your life…like the cool upright bass sounds in the Guy Ritchie movie Snatch…or any of the Ocean 11 movies. I fondly remember a time showing my father and stepmother a new club that I was about to open…and how we walked through the door to the opening horn blast from the Michael Buble’ version of “Foggy Day in London Town,” only to have the exact same horn blast happen as we walked back into the main room after finishing the tour of the lower level…and my stepmother asking if I planned it to happen that way. I think of how cool it would be to have Soul Coughing‘s “Super Bon Bon” play every time you left a building and began to walk…no…swagger down the street. (I only say these things…because sometimes this is what actually happens in my mixed up brain.) I mean…music plays into everything for me. Grand Theft Auto IV would never be the same without the ability to kill prostitutes and take their money while listening to  Jazz Nation Radio with Celebrity DJ  and Legendary Jazz Drummer Roy Haynes and other jazz greats. There are appropriate track for getting ready in the morning…or when you are about to go out at night. My memory flashes to a long time friend and one of my  early bartenders, Jenny, who was such a crazy, amazingly artistic person, singing Marvin Gaye‘s “Let’s Get it On” into her hair brush as we were getting ready to go out one night.

Back in high school…I remember having days…or even weeks sometimes, off from school because of snow…and before I had my license, doing donuts in the local shopping center parking lot was in order in my friend Dave’s mustang with the windows down and Pantera‘s “Cowboys from Hell” shaking the car, as the ice and snow kicked up from the tires hit us in the face through the open windows. I think about longer trips alone when the weather was so bad that hardly anyone by I dared even attempt the roads while listening to the Saigon Kick album The Lizard. The mood it set was just so amazingly perfect for that kind of a scene.

Summer days are a whole other story. I can’t imagine leaving the house before noon on a sunny day without pulling out of the driveway to a track like Keith Urban‘s “Somebody Like You,” or even  “Dizz Knee Land” from Dada…or dirty summer afternoons to the song “Posters” from the same album.  I often find newer summer favorites that you just can’t help but really feel…like “I’m Yours” from Jason Mraz. There are also other summer favorites that just feel right…be that in town or at the beach…like damn near anything from Jack Johnson, or the band Everything’s “Smile”…and my all time favorite “Spent” from their album Labrador…or the imagined work free summer evenings listening to “Dame tu Corazon?”…or anything else with an island feel. My more social summer activities make me think along the lines of Counting Crows “Hangin’ Around.” More laid back summer evenings call for James Taylor…or Bob Marley…which strikes most that know me as odd, given I’ve never actually smoked pot…but there’s just something about “Three Little Birds” that lets you now “every little thing…is gonna be alright.” I think, for those of you that have never had the experience, look a little further back into the career of Sugarland’s Kristian Bush. The band Billy Pilgrim, featuring Bush with fellow singer/songwriter (and Meg Ryan‘s brother) Andrew Hyra had a stellar first album with incredibly songs like “Insomniac” that will forever be etched on my summer soul.

I have a lot of favorites that bring back memories of years spent performing for thousands, upon thousands of people…or even sometimes just hundreds…or tens…but experiences like a medley of Motown hits I performed when I was touring with one band in particular…especially a very rockin’ version of “Can’t Get Next to You” from The Temptations.

I think a lot about love songs as well…and how some songs often seem to carry me through the progression of a relationship…through all of the good and the bad.  For Danyell…there was “Slide” from the Goo Goo Dolls in the beginning. I remember driving from a show at Knoebel’s Amusement Park in north east Pennsylvania where her and I first met, to a show at the Montgomery County Fair in Maryland with the top down and that song on repeat the whole trip. I had a terrible sunburn and hardly had a voice left by the time I pulled in for soundcheck…but those times felt good…so good. Later on…there were CD’s that she made for me, specifically as a soundtrack to the fun things she used to plan for us…like the disc filled with the best of Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Teddy Pendergrass, and Barry White…or the inside joke of the CD she titled Suzie the Freak, featuring just enough songs to make for the start of an incredible night, including “Control” from Puddle of Mudd, “Figured You Out” by Nickelback, “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails, “You Shook Me All Night Long” from AC/DC…then…after all of those songs repeated…she threw in “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” from Big & Rich for good measure…along with a sexy schoolgirl outfit…and a fairly innocent woman stepping into a wholly different side of herself for playtime. That relationship led to so many other songs that will be forever etched in my memory. I was on the verge of becoming a married man when I performed Richard Julien‘s “The Second Smallest State” at an acoustic show for her in Pittsburgh. In retrospect, I don’t think she was really listening.  “Home” by Michael Buble’ was the song that led to me taking a long hiatus from life as a touring musician.  “Fast Cars and Freedom” by Rascal Flatts as our relationship progressed into something far more than I had ever dreamed…and the contrast of “What Hurts the Most” as we began to slowly fall apart. After giving things another shot, I remember picking “At Last” by Etta James as our wedding song…and then there was “That’s How Strong My Love Is” from Otis Redding as we began to fall apart again…although “Jessie” from Joshua Kadison may well have been far more appropriate for the dynamic between her and I. As my heart continued to sink and I started to get a grasp on the reality of our situation, U2’s “One” hit me like a…like a…two ton…uh…heavy thing. Then…there was “Shattered (Turn the Car Around)” from OAR that I think finally helped me put things in perspective. There were times my friend Jason Kendall‘s song “Off White Wedding Gown” crept into my mind as well…but sometimes things just never seem to happen at the right time. I do seem to find comfort in “the only blessing I have left to my name…not knowing what we could have been…what we should have been,” as in Keith Urban‘s “You’ll Think of Me.”

For Korrin Elizabeth…there was Ani DiFranco‘s “32 Flavors”…and was she ever. Unapologetically Kor…to the core…and “Magnolia Street” from Catie Curtis as we began to fall into something bigger than the both of us. There really are endless soundtracks to her and I…Van Morrison‘s “Crazy Love” as well as “Tupelo Honey.” I fondly remember our first night together…and all of the botched songs I attempted for her…and finally making it through John Mayer‘s “Your Body is a Wonderland” before setting down my guitar. The song “Corey’s Coming” by Harry Chapin somehow always brings tears to my eyes…not just the bridge…but also the thoughts of her mother giving her the name because she really wanted another boy. Thinking more on thoughts of our love…I ceremoniously seek a Dashboard Confessional, as “Hands Down” she was always something incredible that I’ll never forget “As Lovers Go.” In the end, I fell into  Third Eye Blind‘s “Motorcycle Drive By,” among others to get me through, although her song to me at the time was “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing,” by Jack Johnson. We still speak though, and occasionally feel the need to call when one of those songs comes on the radio and we end up flooded with thoughts of what was and what never came to be. The Counting Crows song “Anna Begins” she once confessed always makes her think of us. As a result of the connection we share, “There’s a piece of Elizabeth, in every song that I sing.”

I think I would be remiss if I failed to mention songs like “Wind That Shakes the Barley” from Irish Folk legends Solas…whom I met years ago at the DC Irish Folk Festival through then girlfriend, now up and coming folk legend Rachel Eddy. Blind Faith‘s “Can’t Find My Way Home,” as performed by House of Lords is also a very hard hitting song for me…or “All About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)” which always seems to creep into my CD player anytime I open a new business…or countless other songs that mean the world to me…or just seem to fit the mood of the moment…or the misery that I chose to wallow in. What does all of this mean? I mean…seriously…you are still reading…most likely waiting for the deeper meaning in all of this. Here’s the fortune in the middle of this cookie. Hopefully you are enjoying the cookie enough to finish it after the words of wisdom I want to bestow upon you.  If you haven’t already opened your mind up to this line of thinking…then you really should give it a whirl. How will this affect your every day life? The drive you get from finding the right song for the right moment is incredible. If you haven’t felt it , you are really missing out. Some of us balance the insanity of the constant radio station in our head with every day, “real” life. William Dement was once quoted as saying, “Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.” I make no solid claim in saying that living in this sort of altered reality is safe, or sane…but it sure as hell has made my life far more interesting than those who choose to sit in a quiet room or drive their cars with no audio track…so as you take a late night summer drive with the top down, insert Dynamix II: Machine Language Track V. “Alone (Waiting in Limbo)” and you’ll really feel what I’m talking about.

For musicians, looking at the world through your now altered set of eyes, you may well find songs that creep their way into your set lists that mean way more to you than anything else in the world at that moment in time…and allow you to develop a connection with your audience that you’d never otherwise experience. The ones that hit me the hardest often take me back to red letter dates in my life…like a time machine, allowing me to relive memories in a way that I never would otherwise. Pure Prairie Leagues’ “Aime” does that to me…or “Sunshine” from Jonathan Edwards, which takes me back to the time I first considered taking a hiatus from touring. “Gravel” from Ani DiFranco is always a shocker when fans hear me talk about how it relates to my life, as I explain the marring of the sex roles in the song to fit a girl I was dating…who was also dating a girl on the side.  “Ain’t No Sunshine” from Bill Withers has been a widely requested song for me which takes me to a place that I don’t know if I can even explain. In a semi-unrelated story, I was shocked one night after performing it only to be complimented by my new friend Todd for my choice in songs…only to find out later that he was the son of Bill Withers. “Wherever You Will Go” from The Calling takes me back to a few shows we played in Ocean City, MD with Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons…and how incredible it felt to be barely awake at a 9am soundcheck…knowing it was the only song at the time that I could squeeze notes out of at that time of the morning, only to look up and see my girlfriend at the time playing the ultimate rock star wife, as her and a small parade of children, including her son, daughter…and all of their friends they could squeeze in the SUV sitting in the front row, complete with signs for the show that the kids had made for myself and the drummer, my longtime friend, Steve Moore. The song “Need Your Love” from the aforementioned Billy Pilgrim‘s second album Bloom seems to pull me right off the stage and onto my back patio overlooking the wooded hillside as the sun rises, or sets on a warm summer day. The Marshall Tucker Band‘s  “Can’t You See” and Simon & Garfunkel‘s “The Boxer” bring me to certain moments of defeat in my life that I sometimes wish I could forget. As mentioned earlier, “You’ll Think of Me” from Keith Urban hits home with one particular relationship in my life. There are so many…I’m sure once this goes live, I will regret for years not mentioning something else.

Looking back on my early life, I think about how songs played in my head all day to get me through the madness of total silence and the buzz of florescent lights that just flat out makes me crazy. I have never really ever experienced total silence…at least not that my memory can recall. As I continue to share my narcissism with you, I remember how I used to think of my life as so special that it would be featured in one of those cheesy after school specials…and the whole day of school was just the prologue to something amazing that was sure to happen after I made the sunny trip home to my family. As with many of the good things in my life, I have my mother to blame. She has shared her eclectic taste in music with me since I was a newborn. I have reserved so many spots in my heart for just the right girl because of the values she has instilled in me. “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane,” be that John Denver; or Peter, Paul, and Mary falls into those songs that I will only sing to one woman in my life…other than when I’m sharing childhood memories with mom of course. Other songs and lessons I remember from my preschool years include “One Tin Soldier” of Billy Jack fame…and from a childrens show I only recall hearing about, but never seeing…which, if my memory serves me correctly, was performed by a heavy set African-American woman who’s life was cut tragically short after she was hit by a car. (Any information to support or refute my recollection of this would be greatly appreciated.) There was also “Reuben James” from Kenny Rogers and The First Edition. I remember being turned on to rock through the hypnotic organ on “Light My Fire” from The Doors which I found in my mother’s record collection. I used to get the idea that I could write scripts and story lines for television when I was ten or eleven years old as well. I remember explaining to my mom how “Murder by Numbers” from The Police would be so perfect for an episode of Miami Vice because of the obvious subject matter and the dark, reggae feel of the song. My heart was nearly broken when she broke the news to me that it wouldn’t quite work with that particular show, as they were vice cops, not homicide detectives.  I also remember going through an extended period of childhood when I felt it was my calling to be a soldier…and spending hours with my cassette deck on record/pause as I continually requested “The Ballad of the Green Beret” from Staff Sgt. Barry Sadler…only to be disappointed when my mother finally bought the cassette for me to find that her version just sounded so much better to me. It was ultimately my love of music that kept me from pursuing a military career. Maybe that was her plan all along???

My father was not entirely free from my musical influences either. Though there was a significant gap in the time we spent together in my life from childhood until adulthood…I can never seem to get certain imagery out of my head when I hear The Statler Brothers doing “Flowers on the Wall.” No its not Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction before he “had to crash that Honda,” but rather thoughts of sitting outside of a Foodland in my hometown as he sang to the 8 track in his light blue metallic 1979 Chevy Malibu. One other dominant memory in my mind is Procol Harum‘s “Whiter Shade of Pale” and his deep voice singing it as he recorded it from the radio on my cassette deck as he showed me how to use the record/pause function to not miss the beginning of a song. There is a strange, almost eerie feeling of emptiness that fills my soul when I hear that song. Perhaps it is the chord/melody choice…or the somewhat ethereal lyrics…or maybe its just that it was one of the few childhood memories that I do have of he and I. Maybe it was just a weird sort of haunting preview to my future life and those nights when the things you love the most take the most out of you and you find yourself “feeling kind of seasick…as the crowd calls out for more.” On a slightly more uplifting note, I find it hard to believe that it is merely coincidence that Filters “Take a Picture” and Peter Gabriel‘s “Solsbury Hill” work so well together as sort of a bizarre medley with an odd twist, though I may just be “Digging in the Dirt.”

So what is the purpose of all of this? What is the purpose of it all? I can’t imagine a life without music…or at least not one that I’d want to live. I find that all of my motivation is multiplied tenfold with the appropriate soundtrack…much like the emotional highs and lows inspired by a film with just the right application of song. I can say that most people that I’ve encountered who’s own lives have been as influenced by music as mine appear to live a far more motivated and fulfilling life. So…for myself, the thought of a soundtrack playing as the events of my life are being filmed has carried me through the worst of times, as well as made my happiness so much more intense during the best of times. This frame of mind has allowed me to not just let my life live me…but has let me really live my life and get the most out of the experience…to really feel the raw emotion of every moment as if scripted to cleverly fill the plot lines of some incredibly eclectic film. Maybe some day, just that will happen, although I’m sure it could never be as incredible as actually having been there. I’m sure by the time most of the life that I have found the most interesting has made its way to the cutting room floor, it will be nothing more than another one of those intriguing movies that I ponder over often…but somehow feel I can never get inside of the writer’s mind. Well…with this film I’m sure I will be able to get inside of the main character’s  mind at least, but as for those who live outside of my own mind…I wish you the best of luck in even taking all of this in…let alone actually comprehending everything through a similar set of eyes…but if you are still reading this, there may well be a chance for you. Regardless of whether or not you can accept this epic blog as some sort of semblance of a new frame of mind in which to live…I do certainly hope you’ve enjoyed the musical trip and taken advantage of the links to some old favorites, and perhaps a few new musical discoveries to take into your own personal experience and share with others during the filming of your own life. Enjoy!

Turn the Car Around :: The Importance of Taking a Break from a Bad Relationship.

By R. Lewis Lightner on June 18th, 2010

South Bass Island Beginnings

I take myself back to where I was when I first heard “of a revolution” otherwise known as OAR. It was South Bass Island on Lake Erie and my band was playing at the Beer Barrel Saloon (see Guinness Book of World Records for World’s Longest Bar). Playing in the biggest club on a small island, our shows were generally done rather early for the world of rock & roll, and thus we were able to go back to the dressing room, shower, and go out and partake in the Mardi Gras/French Quarter type festivities prior to the bars closing. It happened every night….the last song…in addition to being played like clockwork at the both the top and the bottom of the clock…that last annoying song that everybody else seemed to get but the band I was with and myself. Was this a local band or something? Why was everybody so into this song singing about how “That Was a Crazy Game of Poker?” I remember asking several people who did the song so I could figure out where all the hype came from, including the bartender that was obviously annoyed that I would even have the nerve to ask, much less not already know some how who this was. Being stricken with rock star deafness and in a loud club, I tried to decipher the words that she seem to be mouthing to me. I missed it the first time. Was she spelling the word oar? Was this a local band that named themselves after a much needed piece of non-engine small boat paddling equipment??? After the third attempt she shouted “OF A REVOLUTION” at me as if I had done something I was about to get thrown out of the club for and stormed off. I decided to leave that one alone and it wasn’t years until I found out who they were, and how much they had to say about my life.

Back To Our Roots

Its kind of serendipitous what actually brought me back to thoughts of the island. It was a combination of things that led to writing this blog and a new perspective on life. Working backward, it was hearing this song performed live by OAR on Palladia….and stumbling across a picture of a much younger self with perfect short spiked bleached rock star hair in a BMW convertible in line for the South Bass Island Ferry. A few days prior to this, I spent over 4 hours on the phone late one night with one of my best friends, You Tube Viral Percussion Legend Steve Moore (THIS DRUMMER IS AT THE WRONG GIG!), whom I toured with years earlier. We were discussing life and our careers, which made me think of this trip to South Bass Island, where I appeared in the Steve Moore video “Over the Barrel” which featured the band that Steve and I toured with. This was few weeks after I caught a live Jason Mraz show on Palladia and realized that I knew his trombone player, Reggie Watkins, who attended the same college music program as I. I started thinking even more about my life and the fact that I was living a totally non-creative life at that moment in time and that I was miserable because of it. Well, that and the relationship that I was in at the time that just wasn’t quite working. That, of course, led me to thinking about my relationship and to my would be wife Danyell’s trip to Tennessee with her mother to list a home and piece of property with a realtor, followed by spending the remainder of the week with a bunch of her family at a timeshare in Gatlinburg…without me. This brings me to the main thrust of this article. Danyell’s trip afforded me the opportunity to get a bit of a break from our now tortuous relationship and to take a step back and gain some perspective. Things had been very difficult in the recent past. I had taken on a job as an account manager for one of largest banking companies in the United States after the forced closing of my nightclub business. We had been fighting about money. We had been fighting about trust. We even fought about fighting. In the bigger picture, I was in a bad relationship rut at best…but more likely I was just stuck in a relationship that had long since run its course. Fortunately, due to her trip, I was able to get nearly two weeks with little or no contact which afforded me the opportunity to take a good, hard look at our relationship, my life, and where I should be…versus where I was stuck.

A Lot To Be Learned from a Rock Song

During the aforementioned chaotic chain of thoughts, I had mentioned stumbling across OAR live in concert on Palladium. I simply struck by one of the songs they performed and could not get it out of my head. In this song, Shattered (Turn The Car Around), OAR vocalist Marc Roberge is addressing one of those relationships that you need to get away from, but the love for that person, the attraction, the whatever…leads you back…over, over, and over…only to leave you broken…or, as the case may be… “shattered.” Roberge addresses some of the fundamentals that we should examine in a bad relationship. He’s trying to get away…kind of…but keeps getting drawn back in even though he knows that he shouldn’t. He admits that he’s good without her, and wonders how many times he may break until he shatters. He knows he’s gone too far by saying “over the line can’t define what I’m after,” or maybe this is a reference to his goal as wanting to be over the line in love…or whatever. He is asking for some time to make his own patterns…to have his life not to be governed by the other person…but still, every time he leaves, he turns the car around. “All that I feel is the realness I’m faking…Taking my time, but its time that I’m wasting” addresses how we can be stuck in such a rut that all we are doing is wasting time by being there, faking what a relationship should be, just going through the motions, but not really experiencing a healthy union of two souls. He admits to being good without her…and even makes the suggestion for her to give it up and break the endless cycle. In the bigger picture, it may well be that that Roberge is looking at the world for greener pastures because he feels he needs a change, but then realizes that he needs to come back to where he belongs…but that is not what I feel from the song. Its more likely that the he was going through the same thing that I had been feeling…the drawing addiction of being with someone that you really shouldn’t …but having to break the old habits and let go of that person…hence the last two lines…”Don’t wanna turn the car around,” indicating that the realization is ever present that he can move on and doesn’t want to fall back into old habits…followed by, “I’ve got to turn this thing around,” now no longer referring to the imagery of the car, but more the whole relationship and bad direction in general. Turn it around and make a change…a much needed change.

The Break

My break kind of landed in my lap. I feel lucky, as I may never have taken it otherwise and may not be sharing this wisdom with you. Danyell and I were already breaking up. She took the first truckload of stuff from our home as she headed back to Delaware on the front end of the Tennessee trip with her mother. We hadn’t been talking much when we were apart anyway prior to this trip. (Danyell traveled back to Delaware nearly every weekend to help her mother cope with the loss of her husband…Danyell’s father a few months prior.) The two of us love each other very much, and most likely always will…but after 8 years of on again, off again…the conclusion was had that things were never going to fall in place like they should and we should go our separate ways. Due to the stars aligning with the condition of our relationship, my new job offering me a lot of free time I wasn’t used to, and the aforementioned fact that we didn’t talk much when we were apart anyway…I was afforded the time to take a good hard look at myself, my life, where I was, and where I needed to be.

Getting Back To Yourself/Finding Your Compass

The main gift built into taking a step back from a bad relationship is the ability to better see the relationship for what it actually is. It is all too often true what has been said about when you are too close to something, you can’t see anything at all. It is so hard to define what is wrong with a bad relationship when you are stuck dealing with the drama and negative emotions on a day to day basis. The first few days of our time apart were mostly eaten up by just doing things that I never seemed to get around to with her in the house. It actually took nearly a week before I really started thinking about the relationship without my thoughts being clouded by anger from recent events. What we really often need in this sort of situation is to look at everything that is transpiring objectively. You nearly have to step out of the relationship to really see how it is affecting you. Ultimately, you need to take a look at the positive and negative characteristics of the relationship. What are your issues? What are the issues of your significant other? Are they a scorekeeper? Are they a faultfinder? Are they a bottomless pit? Will they not forgive? Will you not forgive? Is their insecurity or jealousy destroying your relationship? Are you the one that is causing all of the issues? In most cases, it is a combination of you and your significant other that is leading to the downfall of the relationship. In the majority of cases, it is not just one person entirely in the wrong. The bottom line here is that you need to see the relationship for what it really is. You need to find yourself again. You need to find out exactly what it is that you want, as well as trying to figure out what your significant other wants. Do these two wish list have enough in common that the relationship can survive…or most importantly, survive happily? Ultimately, you have to find yourself again…reset your internal compass…and make some hardline decisions about what you want out of your life and if this relationship fits into the future you see for yourself.

Where Am I Now?

I can’t say that after my break I had all of the answers. It is rare that we ever find all of the answers or feel that we should move 100% in one direction or the other. Being torn doesn’t make you wrong…it just shows that you are human. What I did discover was a very important aspect of deciding whether to stay in a relationship or whether you should move towards getting away from this person and finding someone else. All relationships have good periods and bad periods. Unless you are a victim of abuse, there is nothing wrong with arguing or fighting. Its how you handle disagreements that is important. Do you respect your partner? Do they respect you? Do you find that they say hurtful things in a fight just to get under your skin or do they respect you enough to fight fairly? Do you say the same hurtful things? The ultimate conclusion that applied to my relationship came to be as follows: Am I with someone that is going to be there for me through the good times and bad…or am I “chasing the relationship’s potential?” What I’m getting at is that you shouldn’t make excuses for your relationship not feeling like a healthy relationship based upon the obstacles in your life. So, what if you are going through financial stress and it spills over into your relationship, causing fights and negative energy? Again..fights happen in nearly every healthy relationship. The problem is that if you get your financial situation squared away, there is a great likelihood that some other stress causing factor will then affect the relationship. What if to resolve your money problems, you take on a second job? Now you may well have to deal with disagreements and tension over time issues…and therefore you may find yourself unhappy again. What you need to ask yourself is, am I truly happy…or am I waiting for true happiness to come after the stressful things that are taking a toll on the relationship are gone? Most likely, you will never end up truly happy, as there will always be stressful factors in your life. Maybe the issue is that you need to find a relationship in which you and your partner work as a team and make the best of ALL times…both good AND BAD. If your relationship is not enjoyable even in the worst of times…then maybe you should consider the fact that you and your partner may just not be a good fit for each other. These may well be hard words to hear…but you need to take a good, hard look at your life and your goals and how this relationship fits with them…and be willing to move on if it doesn’t. Sometimes to get this sort of perspective, you really need to take a step back from the relationship to see things for what they are. Again, all of this thought stems from a trip back through memory lane triggered by a rock song and a long enough break from a relationship to get a good, honest look at everything I had been dealing with. You can learn a lot from a rock song.